Jeddie's Lamentation

Jeddie: Mami please stay here with me...

Ezsie: I love to sweetheart but mami needs to go to office, you'll be staying with mama pei...

Jeddie: plase mami don't leave me...please...

Ezsie: Jed, mami needs to go so that we could have money to buy milkie...for you and baby heart...

Jeddie: crying out so loud...

....if she just know how this scenario broke my heart every day, how much is the struggle deep inside of me to leave her like that.....

Rude Agent

Someone asked me, Why I looked sad today- my reply....

Yeah, Indeed I felt bad not sad… I hate to tell this but I felt been degraded and humiliated by Rude Agent's attitude this evening… She was so rude to repulsed being coached well in fact she is the bottom from the group… not to mention from the whole aft huh… still have the guts to tell me that …..

Scenario: AFT Floor-Tariray took the time to discuss PNR when agent forgot to process refund script on the record…agent became sour as the conversation goes… Upon Tariray’s return agent is taking a call with the airline-Tariray finished the call then said excuse me while smiling….

Rude Agent: “anu ba na man Tariray di pa ba tapos dyan, di ko tuloy mabawi aht ko?”
Tariray: di ko na man pinapaki-alaman aht mo ah ang kailangan ko VP mo…
Tariray: (in her mind----Haller!!! Ayoko nga kayang mag-sbs sa yo but because I need to kaya I have to…)

Few moments passed… Training for Save the Sale came…. Rude agent stand up and padabog na ibinagsak yung y jack sabay sabing “sasabihin ko to ke Sir Dennis!”
Tarriay: bigyan mo na lang ako ng 100% QA wala tayong pag-uusapan… (at the back of her mind-akala mo ang galling mo huh…)

Once and for all Tariray made it to herself na ayaw nya ng bastusan most especially kung QA ang pag-uusapan. Tariray made it a point na ayaw na ayaw nya na napapahiya ang agent sa kapwa nya agent but if you take this personally kagaya ng mga sinabi na ni Tariray before ikaw ang may poblema at di ako… and you started this not Tariray, as much as possible ayaw ni Tariray na ipinaririnig sa ibang agent ang mga sinasabi nya at mga dapat nyang sabihin sayo kasi alam ni Tariray na foul yon… but because ikaw na ang nag-ingay, ikaw ang may poblema di ako. Mag-susumbong ka pa- di ka ba nahihiya na bagsak-bagsak ang mga QA mo?? Take this seriously not personally dahil in the end ikaw pa rin ang talo… Tariray just can’t help thinking “you are a newbie on the floor yet acting already as a veteran agent??”” Even Vet agent accept coaching because they know that every day is a learning process here at AFT floor.

Just like what have been mentioned in the Bible about wisdom and the fool…

THE FOOL HAS NO DESIRE FOR WISDOM, AND WOULD REJECT IT EVEN IF HE COULD ACQUIRE IT BECAUSE HE HATES IT..

A fool does not delight in understanding, But only in revealing his own mind (Proverbs 18:2).

"... The beginning of wisdom is: Acquire wisdom; And with all your acquiring, get understanding." Proverbs 4:7

Even great people has something to say about wisdom… "The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook." William James


Lord, let you name be praised and be glorified in my life. Forgive me if somehow I offended this agent and you know my heart that I have nothing against her but to assist her in attaining a 100% QA. I know for a fact that you gave these agent/team to me for a reason and I thank you Lord for them. Be upon me as always, guide me that I will only say the right words to tell and the right things to do… I’m lifting my everything up to you. Shower me knowledge and wisdom as always because I badly need them and of course billions of patience in dealing with them. Help me understand them the best possible ways that I needed to. God the Holy Spirit let love overflowed in my heart and understanding showed in my every ways. Forgive me of my short comings and guide. I pray this in Jesus name. Amen.


Star-Tariray

New Role

I'm excited, nervous, mixed emotions with unexplained thoughts... wheww... I know my life will change after this meeting.... and I know for sure my blogger life will be awaken soonnn... see yahhh soon in these pages....

Jeddie' s New Haircut...

Update to My Eldest Daughter, she got her hair cut before leaving to Singapore for a vacation...

Your Hand in Prayer

1. Your thumb is nearest to you. So begin your prayers by praying for those closest to you. They are the easiest to ones to remember. To pray for our loved ones is, as C.S. Lewis once said, a "sweet duty."

2. The next finger is the pointing finger. Pray for those who teach, instruct and heal. This includes teachers, doctors, and ministers. They need support and wisdom for pointing others in the right direction. Keep them in your prayers.

3. The next finger is the tallest finger. It reminds us of our leaders. Pray for the president, leaders in business and industry, and administrators. These people shape our nation and guide public opinion. They need God's guidance.

4. The fourth finger is our ring finger. Surprising to many is the fact that this is our weakest finger; as any piano teacher will testify. It should remind us to pray for those who are weak, in trouble or in pain. They need your prayers day and night. You cannot pray too much for them.

5. And lastly comes our little finger, the smallest finger of all, which is where we should place ourselves in relation to God and others. As the Bible says, "The least shall be the greatest among you." Your pinkie should remind you to pray for yourself. By the time you have prayed for the other four groups, your own needs will be put into proper perspective and you will be able to pray for yourself more effectively.

When you find it hard to get to sleep tonight; just remember the homeless family who has no bed to lie in.

When you find yourself stuck in traffic; don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

When you have a bad day at work, think of the man who has been out of work for the last three months.

When you despair over a relationship gone bad, think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

When you grieve the passing of another weekend, think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week, for $15.00 to feed her family.

When your car breaks down, leaving you miles away from assistance, think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

When you notice a new gray hair in the mirror, think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

When you find yourself at a loss, and pondering what life is all about, what is my purpose, be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

When you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities, remember, things could be worse.

You could be them.

<>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <><

Small Misunderstandings

Sharing you an email received from a friend...

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother". Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it". Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don’t tell her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle. Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again. One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn’t possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house.

During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me.. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table. The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work.. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expression less. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people.

That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the country side. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother. Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.

Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart. One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that.

Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her.

One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother’s accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket.

In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other’s heart. For me, it’s unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated. Other than the thought of the baby me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.

Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet... This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral." I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:

"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now.... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion ... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face....

A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, everything became too late."........

This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated a paradigm shift. Though it is very sad, it is also very refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start to live a life free of grudge. People please let's live a life devoid of grudge. Communication is the key.

"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5:33

Holiday Season

Holiday Season is fast approching.... everybody seems so busy these past few days... so am I, our ques were never went down from thousand and thousand that we got everyday... indeed were as busy as a bee... overtime has been opened and been required to render at least an hour a day... gosh... I was never home early since the start of this month how I wished to go on leave by next month for buging-ging's birthday. It's her 2nd birthday by next month and i won't accept any delay and other appoinment for this special day... Mamita advised to celebrate it in Xevera for a changed... hmmppp.... have to think about it.... Another year has been added to our little angel and I getting older each year... I thank you Lord for this life.... thank you sooo much...

The Lazy me...

Kinda feel sooooo lazy this month... perhaps because of this new feeling that I have.... we will be welcoming new member in the family by next year and indeed excited to hold this new angel. Buging-ging will be an ate now and it gives me joy everytime I saw her growing with new ideas in each every day... her naughtiness actually came out once in a while and her little innosence covered everything...

I felt just sooo lazy, sleepy and most of all hungry all of the time.... i just feel like sleeping the whole day... nothing to do but sleep, sleep, sleep... I indeed love to sleep....

I thank you Lord for all of these...

Happy Birthday Precious!!

Dearest Precious,

I cannot think of any gifts that i can give to you on your birthday. A simple wish hope will do... health, wealth and success be added in your life and also knowledge and wisdom will be given to you from the good Lord above. You are such an angel given to us... a loving sister and a daughter and most of all a sweet nanny to buging-ging Jeddie... I'm wishing you all the best of best that you could ever have... i love you dear and be here for you... God bless as always...

When I say...

When I say…”I am a Christian” I’m not shouting “I am saved” I’m whispering “I got lost!”

“That is why I chose this way.”When I say…”I am a Christian” don’t speak of this with pride. I’m confessing that I stumble and need someone to be my guide.

When I say…”I am a Christian” I’m not trying to be strong. I’m professing that I’m weak and pray for strength to carry on.

When I say…”I am a Christian” I’m not bragging of success. I’m admitting I have failed and cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say…”I am a Christian” I’m not claiming to be perfect. My flaws are too visible but God believes I’m worth it.

When I say…”I am a Christian” I still feel the sting of pain I have my share of heartaches which is why I seek His name.

When I say…”I am a Christian” I do not wish to judge. I have no authority. I only know I’m loved.